Ever Wonder What Can Blow Up And Wreck Your Love By Design Relationship?

By Melody Chase

Not many people know about the hidden power struggles that can occur in a relationship or marriage. This article is about a hidden powerstruggle known as rhythms. Every person has their own unique rhythm whether that is how they eat, sleep, work, relax, or even think and breathe.

However, in our society, we have been taught to assume to everyone is alike, or that there is a specific way that everyone needs to go about their day in order to strive and be successful. This can cause a powerstruggle in a relationship in two ways.

1) Each partner will think that the other person has the same rhythm as them, so if they are not doing things the same way as them they are either doing things wrong or intentially trying to resist them.

2) If the partners are trying to copy the other person’s rhythm, it will be not in their highest and best interest. They will not be “productive” or be in a healthy lifestyle for the individual, which leads to powerstruggles anyway.

Our first is what I will call a task accomplishment rhythm. In our work, we teach individuals and couples something similar called workstyles which are ways how people like to carry out their work or activities such as Guideline people who need a basic guideline or structure 24 hours a day or Employee people who like to go by other peoples rules for a certain portion of the day, then the rest of the time they go by their own rules.

For task accomplishment rhythms, I will use Rob, my Life Partner (who is also the Director/Counsellor for the Life Management Centre/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design) and myself as an example.

When Rob is accomplishing tasks throughout his day, he likes to do a whole bunch of tasks, one after the other, nonstop without any breaks. Then stop for the day. I on the other hand, although having an Employee Workstyle, while I am actually working for or with the other person, like to work for a while, take a break, work for a while, take a break etc. In the beginning of our relationship, there was an unconscious powerstruggle, mostly felt by me because I couldn’t keep up the same momentum as Rob, especially if we had been out shopping or in public, I would have to have rest and recoup before I could charge into the next task at hand. I would get really tired and uncomfortable, and Rob would feel my resistance.

That didn’t last for long though, as soon as I recognized that my rhythm was different than Rob’s, I brought it to his attention. I accepted that my rhythm is different than his and he has incorporated my rhythm into his schedule, so I can rest in peace, and then join him again in our tasks. The good news is that I was just as productive as Rob, as long as I kept true to myself and my rhythm.

Another example of a rhythm is that people have different speech patterns, speed and rhythms. Rob had a couple come in to see him once, were the couple was having a communication problem.

The wife talked a mile a minute; the husband talked very slowly and paused a lot when talking. The wife often cut him off, between pauses, the husband often feeling offended by being interrupted all the time and the wife always felt like they weren’t getting anywhere in their communication. Would you believe the powerstruggle was there simply because they weren’t aware that they had different speaking rhythms? As soon as Rob pointed this out to them, and taught them how to understand, appreciate and not be in nonresistance to their rhythm their communication greatly improved. The wife, especially learned to be aware of the husband’s pause, and that the pause didn’t mean he was finished talking.

There are many other types of rhythms out there that will be unique to you and to you partner. Your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to be aware of your feelings. If you ever feel like you are in resistance to your partner, such as feeling angry, a drop of energy or the need to dig your heels in, be on the “look out” and “feel out” for a potential rhythm that may be different.

Next, bring you partner into awareness, then accept, and appreciate both your partner’s and your own unique rhythms. With acceptance, nonresistance and being authentic, you will find that not only will the resistance fade away, both of your fill be at you fullest, and highest and best capacity in all areas of your lives.