The Reassurance Report - Little Known Secrets to Attaining Certainty & Security

By Dr Rob Bilton

In Love by Design relationships it is important that there is reassurance, certainty and security. The other day, actually the other week, I had several people in my office who were not very secure in their relationship. They came in on their own. They were having difficulties in their relationship. They just didn’t feel safe and secure in their relationship. They were worried that their partner may be moving away or potentially straying or not loving them in the way that they want.

In our breakthrough "Love by Design Book", we talk about various communication modes. Many people that have a certain communication mode find that if their partner has a different communication mode, they don’t feel that secure of how they are feeling in terms of feeling loved. That is very understandable if you understand the communication modes. If you read in our Love by Design book, we talk about four communication modes, the Visual, Auditory, Digital and Kinesthetic. The following is a brief overview of the four basic communication modes:

Visuals communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. The move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activity and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched.

If your partner is a different communication mode than you and again we can be on all four channels or three channels or just two channels and our partners can be on the same ones or different ones or part of yours and part of another.

For example in the book, we talk about my relationship with Michelle. Michelle was a lovely young lady and she was a Visual, Auditory.

Many of these situations are reflected in the some of the clients that come in and see me. A lot of them tend to be Digital. Digital people tend to go to counselling more than a Visual person. A Visual person would go to counseling or a Visual, Kinesthetic person would go to counselling usually because they are dragged there.

However, if a Digital person is with someone who is not Digital, they really feel empty. Sure they do things together. Their partner may talk or may not, but the Digital really feels empty. Also in relationships where one partner is highly Kinesthetic and the other person isn’t, the first person will feel like the other person doesn’t love them, that the other person is interested in someone else because they are not having as much cuddling, kissing or sex, with them as they did when they were courting. So then if the person is Digital, they start thinking a lot, which is something that a Digital person does, which is think a lot, they then start feeling insecure. Also if you are stressed out in life, and you are Digital and Analytical you tend to get a little paranoid if you are put under stress if you are not being reassured.

So in a Love by Design relationship, it is key that your partner is on the same channel as you, and if not, know how to work on the same channel as you and to reassure you. I spent 10 years a paramedic and 10 years as a business man, before I was a counsellor. When I was in business and as a counsellor, reassurance is very important. All professionals reassure their clients of what they are going through and that things will be o.k., that things will be taking care of. So reassurance is a good skill to develop in your partner.

I constantly reassure kitten or Melody, who is here with me, smiling as I am writing this. She is not a strong Visual, she is part Visual, and so I can give her some gifts, and bring her some things. I would go and buy her a pizza or buy her a hamburger or buy her a little thing at the store or a t-shirt or this or that. But mostly because she is Auditory, I tell her that I love her all the time and I tell her that she is pretty and that she is special and I am very lucky to be with her.

Also because she is highly Kinesthetic which is a strong thing for her, I make she feel connected, and is touched and hugged and cuddled. Every time we see each other we bump into each other and hug and I grab her and she grabs me and it’s fun. She shows her love this way and she always grabs me. I guess I’m not supposed to say that eh kitten? “Grab me on the shoulder”, she says from the background. “Yeah sure you are kitten sure you are.” I answer.” On the shoulder, this is a PG article.”

Melody is also Digital, and Lucie and Michelle both weren’t. So with both Lucie and Michelle I felt very empty, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, but with Melody I feel very connected because she is highly Digital and we are on the same page, mentally and emotionally. Melody knows that I understand her and if you are a Digital that is probably one of the core reasons why she decided to be with me.

She knew that no matter what happened in our life, I would understand her and if I didn’t understand, I would take the time to understand and she knows that I know. I can experience what she thinking and feeling and experiencing. We all want a witness to out life drama, our life experiences, our life success and people want us to be a witness to their reality and be on the same page, if you are highly Digital.

Now if you are Visual, you want to do things together you just want to spin around and do things together. Like when I worked on the ambulance, many of the people I worked with were Visual and we had this non-verbal communication and when I was with Lucie and also with Michelle, we could do things like renovate.

We had this kind of synchronicity like two seagulls or two birds flying in formation. So again, you will have different repoire on different channels. However, ideally, the key in terms of reassurance and having a Love by Design in my belief is if you are designing from square one, you really need to have someone on your same communication channel. I mean it just makes life so much easier.

If I wasn’t with Melody and I was dating other people, I would screen out people who were not on my same channel. I find even working with other people, or other counsellors that I work with is that I really prefer that they have the same communication modes, in at least the Digital and Auditory communication channels. Otherwise I don’t really want to work with them unless I am doing Visual things or doing something superficial.

So it is important that you really understand that it is very important if you are currently creating a Love by Design and if you are not in place where you can rebuild or restructure where are in a situation where you are in an existing relationship, your partner needs to learn, if they are not on the same page, to do that. That way you will feel reassured, that way, if you are not getting that information on that channel. You are actually going to feel insecure and if you don’t get love in the way that you want for a long time, you will see the symptoms that many of our clients have that come into the office. They have low self esteem.

When I was with Lucie for a while, my self esteem was dropping with her because I wasn’t reassured, and I wasn’t feeling loved. She didn’t say I love you, she wasn’t Auditory She didn’t talk to me in the car, she didn’t talk to me over dinner, she didn’t like talking on the over phone. I just didn’t feel connected. Plus she wasn’t Digital, so she wasn’t interested in ideas or philosophy, and concepts, and metaphysics or spirituality, and relationships and counselling and psychology and all these things. So it was really important for me to have that.

If you don’t get it in your relationship you tend to seek it outside your relationship. That is why people have emotional affairs and real affairs that involve sex and secret relationships and all that kind of stuff, including people on the internet and chat rooms.

There are so many people who are having trouble in their relationships that are out on the net, not that they are going to match.com and having secret rendezvous at the local coffee shop or hotels (which does happen), but they are in chat rooms and they are meeting people and developing friendships and they have friendships at work and they are always going for coffee. If it’s a girl and she’s hanging around with some guy, the guy thinks he is eventually going to have sex, and it gets all complicated, so lots of people have that goofy kind of relationships. There are people who are married that I call the “Virginia” syndrome, read my manual "True Love on Demand" and you will know why I call it the Virginia syndrome.

These people are Digital and they are not getting their emotional and intellectual needs met. They are with someone who is not like that. They are not on the same page, so they have other relationships, emotional affairs, second husbands, or whatever you want to call it. Both men and women do that, it is both genders. This is because subconsciously, when you are not getting what you want, when you don’t feel secure, your self esteem is dropping. You need to do these things to booster your self esteem, make yourself feel good and subconsciously, whether you are conscious of it or not, you will do these things to try to meet your needs. Again that is because our goal in a relationship is get our needs met in the way that we want them, so that is important.

So it is important to develop habits, if you are going into a relationship, to reassure your partner and to reassure them in their communication modes. You can assure them in your communication mode of choice, but if that communication for some reason is not there for one reason or another even though you are reassuring them, but you are reassuring them on the wrong channel it’s not going to work, so it’s not going to work on them.

Again, ideally, if you are starting from scratch and you truly want a Love by Design relationship basically, you need to drawn in, attract and screen for someone who is on the same channel as you and someone who is not emotionally shutdown. We didn’t talk much about that in this article, about a person being emotionally shutdown, but if a person is emotionally unavailable, affection wise or shut down sexually or emotionally shutdown, the partner who is not getting these areas, being human is going to feel a little insecure in this situation, not matter how good your self esteem is or how confident you are. People just need it, that human desire to feel connected and to have that energy.

If you look at it from a Shamanic point of view, I have had the chance to train with Shamans, and to understand the Shamatic model of energy. The Shamans talk about the game behind the game, the Second Attention versus the First Attention. It’s kind a neat that we are talking about this now, it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and the full moon is out, it’s kind of neat out. The Shamans talk about First Attention and Second Attention. First Attention is about the third dimension reality. The Second Attention world, is the world behind the world, you enter the world of energy essentially.

In successful relationships there is an energy exchange, it is like electricity, it is like a circuit, it is give and receive. So I am grabbing kitten and telling her I love her and she’s beautiful and she’s special and I understand her and when she sees me, she is doing the same to me, and she says “ I love you Robbybean.” She tells me that all the time and in bed she kisses me all the time and when she leaves she kisses me and when I come in she says hello and kisses me and greets me and because she is Kinesthetic she loves to touch and cuddle and she loves to talk to me on the phone all the time. I just love it.

I said to Lucie, when I used to live with her. I said “Lucie, when I come home can you be kind of excited to see me and say hello to me and talk to me and show excitement and stuff.” She said to me “Get a Dog.” I said “Yeah, right.” But with Melody, it’s just natural, she has that Expressive personality which is combined with the Digital mind and the Kinesthetic, Auditory and some Visual so she is jumping up and down and she is excited saying “Love you, I’m excited to see you, I love Robbybean.” I really feel recognized, I really feel adored.

If you study men and/ or women who have affairs, what is the big draw with some of these people, is that these people may not even be as attractive as their mates that they have but, they feel adored. I feel adored all the time, Melody adores me , I’m special, I’m a big deal, she’s excited. And I do the same to her. I have a special pet name for her and she has a special pet name for me, she calls me RobbyBean and she has other pet names for me.

So as you can see if it important to reassure. And it is important to let the other person know, do not hold back even if you are shutdown on those channels either because you are not on those channels or if you are emotionally shutdown or affectionately shutdown. I know when I was playing really adversarial back in the day 30 years ago or whatever, I thought it wasn’t cool to show affection or it wasn’t cool to say I love you or it wasn’t cool to be vulnerable . It wasn’t cool to be any of these things. But frankly, it’s not cool, not to show love on these channels in the channels you partner is in and it is your job to reassure your partner and to be with a partner that reassures you.

There should be no insecurity in a relationship, no game playing. Sure you match level of commitment, but it’s not about game playing, it’s not about withholding, you are here to give, living is giving, and to give freely love in all the channels, without expectations, in a positive, happy , positive-upstate way. It is important to read the Seven Principles of Relationship Success, which is being taught in Love by Design and which is good to read, because it talks about some of the things in this article for relationships success. So it is important to reassure and don’t hold back, that way it will help you create the life and love of your dreams.